Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
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Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Life hack
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies