Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you