If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this