@OutOfLeftField_

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

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@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@ArtIsMyPorn

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

@BerrymoreBlue

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

@TheToddWilliams

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@flashember

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

@QueenVofCoffee

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

@MovieHooligan

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…