If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.


Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.



BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?


A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks


[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.


New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.


The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…