I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.