me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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I’m not stressed
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.