I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
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if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Saturday
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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