I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first