I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.