I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
synchronized noseblowing
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that