If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.