how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.