My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.