My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.


Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”


I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.


Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.


My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.


In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.


[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole


[hole opens in the ground]


The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.