My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date


I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast


*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”


[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.


Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.


*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*


something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care


If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.