@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

@ceeace9

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

@glum_and_fun

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@Ar_mi21

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

@WalkingOutside

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

@imteddybless

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.