Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?