Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN