I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

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Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.


Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!


[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.


A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.


Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual


“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.


I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.