I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I am also baked goods
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I just stopped by to water my horse.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.