If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*