Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
You Might Also Like
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I feel it
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
pictures of spider-man
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing