Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Breaking news:
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Happy Halloween 🎃
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.