Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids