I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.