I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.