Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
forgive me baja for i have blast
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.