I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Two types of dogs.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
it be like that
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Okey dokey.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.