There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
real
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.