You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
This rocks
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
absolutely not
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.