[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
You are what you delete.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”