As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Today’s Times
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.