As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
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They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Life cycle of cat
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sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks