this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.