this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.