How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
opening twitter today
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.