How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.