*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
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Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
#Caturday
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.