My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.