I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Our lord and savoury.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
😂😂😂
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely