I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard