[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Had an epiphany today.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?