How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You Might Also Like
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.