[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”