squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
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After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?