I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Anime is real