why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March