“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The biggest mystery of our time
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.