The biggest mystery of our time
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
thank god
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
#DesignFail
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?