Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Accurate
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.