Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome