Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.


Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.


I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.


*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*


After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.


Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?


ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business


When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”


Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.