Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Well, this is awkward
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
bought wrong eggs
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend