If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.