my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“A little help here, Danny?”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.