I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤