Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured