As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Cool shirt 🙂
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Doctors texting each other.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
This made me smile…