I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Money is the root of all wealth