Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds “Historian” to bio*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle