@FatherWithTwins

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

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@AmericanGent69

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@WheelTod

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@XplodingUnicorn

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

@wolfpupy

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

@wolfpupy

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle