My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
me, after any kind of buffet.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”