You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
One venti cheeseburger please.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking