Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Happy Caturday!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.